Words

Yeah, okay.

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 21:50:41 GMT

The word has come down from on high. Myspace is over. I can't get to my blog there and I don't use it to "make friends" so what the bloody hell ever. I use it as a journal primarily, to amuse myself and a few others. It serves as a handy way to backtrack to nights that ever-so-slightly fuzzy.

And if I can't do that there, it can go to hell, even if it is more user friendly.

A dual internet existance for a while? Possibly. I may even recant my statement and waffle back to the flock of sheep. If it ever works, that is.

Not sure

Wed, 03 Nov 2004 17:17:35 GMT

I'm not quite sure what I'm doing. I'll be honest. I'm just going with the flow. Lao Tzu would draw your attention to the brittle branch that breaks in a strong wind whilst the reeds and grasses simply bend and so stay rooted. What other parallels can I draw to my life right now? I'm undergoing a reordering of values, priorities. It finally became apparent that sometimes love *is* all you need. The rest can be worked on. I don't know about anything else right now. I've got a meeting with Dr. Mundale tomorrow about graduate schools and I take the GRE again in a couple weeks. Carmen looked at me with absolute incredulity when I told her that. She said I didn't need to. But I do, because I know I can do better. Only slightly above average does not make me happy. This time I'm shooting for perfect. I think I would like to say the same thing about the rest of my life.

Its time to speak what is on my mind when it is on my mind and accept the consequences as the come. I've spent far too long bottling up these things. This is why my relationships malinger on long after they should. This is why they are not ever healthy relationships. I don't know why I think this time will be different but I feel strongly that, since we both know our flaws and are working conciously to overcome them together, it will. Besides, it is better to have fun than to not have fun, yes?

Mon, 04 Oct 2004 20:10:34 GMT

Its nice to get support from my friends. I dislike getting stupid bullshit from people without the juevos to post their name. Yup, I'm a disaffected college student. Yep, all my relationships are crap. At least I confront my issues to the best of my ability. And if you thought that link was funny, well, I suppose some people think its funny to yell "jump" to a suicide standing on a bridge. Constructive criticism I can take all day long. But someone being an asshole? Grow some fucking ovaries and say it to my face. This is why I don't post on livejournal anymore but rather have a nice happy blog elsewhere.

On Being Good Enough

Fri, 01 Oct 2004 16:21:29 GMT

I'm really tired of people saying that they are so misunderstood. I especially hate the implication that I, personally, don't understand them. Oh, this goes so far beyond you. Don't be vain. Numerous people are implicated in my current disgust. I don't understand you? I don't call. I don't invite. I don't care? I don't tell you when I'm back in town and you think it has something to do with you? Couldn't possibly be my desire to enjoy the mountains in fucking peace, instead of fucking drama. Such fucking arrogance.

Maybe you don't fucking understand me. Did that thought ever cross your mind? Maybe I'm more complex than either hating you or loving you unconditionally. Isn't false dichotomy the greatest evil of Western thought? You're either for me or against me? Do you think I only don't answer my phone when its you on the line? Do you think I EVER jump at the chance to talk to ANYBODY? My quietness is not your erasure. I AM the quietness you misinterprate.

I would follow you anywhere but into your self-delusional self-destruction. Give until you are bled dry and then you can't help ANYONE! Do it!! You, too! I love you. But calling yourself a martyr just means you are another stereotype, not the dynamic individual you were/ought/can be.

Its not that I'm angry. I love everyone this fucking applies to! But in case you hadn't noticed, which I'm sure you haven't, I'm depressed out of my fucking mind. Aurora is so put together. Aurora is so smart. Aurora is a good student (3.9) and good employee (almost 3 years there). Oh yeah.

Aurora is fucking homeless and sleeping at a friend's house. Aurora eats one meal a day, on a good day, and a whole lot of granola bars otherwise.

So fucking forgive me if I don't call you. If I don't have the energy to get involved in your drama, or in yours, or in yours. I don't have the energy to get out of bed most days.

So maybe I don't understand you, barely tolerate you, and maybe you I wait for to leave. Maybe thats it. Maybe you are not my one-time inspiration, or my meadow flitting butterfly. Maybe not. Or maybe all this has nothing to do with you and the awful quagmire that is my life is getting in the way of my, what, normally social nature? What?

Maybe its not about you. I might have other things on my mind.

I'm an awful mess. "But I get by with a little help from my friends."

So forgive me my transgressions as I forgive yours.

Sat, 22 May 2004 19:35:52 GMT

Well, I suspect I'll have a really long post coming along here shortly. I don't have the energy for it at the moment. The plainest way to put it is that Luis and I are no longer a couple. To say we broke up puts it in harsh terms. We decided that even though our relationship has been dead for months, our friendship is too important to walk away from. We're going to stay on as roomates. I don't know how that will go, but for now it sounds good.

Now, I have to go make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner at work tonight.

Fri, 21 May 2004 06:40:32 GMT

nothing left to do but...

*screams*

this isn't my life, is it?

Sat, 15 May 2004 00:47:25 GMT

*Does a little dance.*

I'm just a little, black, rain cloud hovering over...

INDEPENDANT BAR!!!

Lame, huh?

Wed, 11 Feb 2004 17:36:25 GMT

I continue to be amazed by my own brilliance.

I have two papers due today at 2:30. One on St. Augustine and one on Boethius. 3 pages each and they're a little more specific than that. No big deal.

Right.

I've known about the assignment since last Wednesday. But I put it off. And off. I was going to do them Monday night since I got home at 9 but I had a little headache so I took a bath and went to bed. I was just going to have to do them after work last night. Except that last night was Tuesday and the gang from work goes out on Tuesday night. So I went to the Ale House instead of going home and working when we got out of work at 11:30.

I did, however, have coffee instead of beer. I drove Eva home and began, finally, working on my papers at 2 in the morning. I'm so proud of myself.

This may be a new low.

However, I am finished. Which is good. Because not turning it in would be bad. At least I have something bad to turn in. But, knowing me, I'll probably still get a damn "A" on it. I think sometimes I try to fail just because I hate the pressure of always doing well.

Sat, 31 Jan 2004 03:55:54 GMT

You are blessed with FAERY wings. Beauty,
laughter, life, magic...that's what you are all
about. You are refreshingly innocent and happy
with your life of purity and play. Life's a
game and it's a good one. In your eyes there's
no way to lose! You can be very mischeivous and
have been known to cause trouble, but it's all
in the name of fun and not meant to really harm
anyone. You like to play tricks on people who
aren't quite as bright or clever as you - which
is almost everyone. Nature is the setting you
prefer to be in - Always. Barefoot and wild you
can't be tamed. You're probably a restless
spirit who loves to travel, and quite a
dreamer. Your creativity is astounding and your
art (of whatever media - from writing to
painting to drama) is like something from
another world - ethereal and often very
fantasy-oriented. You can either be a social
butterfly or a loner with their head in the
clouds - but rarely inbetween. You stubbornly
refuse to accept responsibility or to give in
to the wishes of others - unless you feel like
it. You have a strong passion for music and
can't imagine life without it. You'll grow up
someday, but you'll always be a child at heart.
You are adventurous and love to take risks, and
feel a deep connection with the weather,
plants, and animals. You prefer sunshine to
thunder or snow, the warmth of summer to
autumn's chill, and quiet forests to suburban
backyards. Magic through and through, you are
far more powerful than you seem, and are
capable of being extremely passionate. Though
you can be childish, naive, stubborn, and
self-absorbed, one thing is certain - life with
you will never be boring!

*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

Thu, 29 Jan 2004 17:07:31 GMT

::sighs::

nevermind

typical

::shrugs::

Thu, 29 Jan 2004 06:03:33 GMT

::shimmies::

I might be going to NYC next week. 3 days.

Maybe. No getting my hopes up.

That is all.

Tue, 27 Jan 2004 01:43:26 GMT

Thinking about that moment
As a child, when you realize that
Everything dies.
Your parents tried to hide it.
Said the dog, what,
Ran away?
Or your grandmother is "with god now".
Lame and lacking in emotion.
You guess it might happen to you
But the people around you hide it
Artfully. You never touch the body.
You never touch the core.

Or you are simply staring into the darkness
Staring until your eyes hurt
One night so long that everything fades
And you know that death is
Inevitable, and like that darkness
Moist, heavy, impenetrable.

This is the malady of mortality...
To know that we come to an end.

Wed, 21 Jan 2004 16:33:23 GMT

You're Skittles!!! You have a very interesting
personality, you're so unique. You're the kind
of person who always thinks outside of the box.
You're also a very accepting individual, and
believe in inner beauty.

Which kind of candy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Heh... knew it all along, didn'tcha?

Sat, 10 Jan 2004 02:53:30 GMT

Curious.

Adbusters.org used to have forums. Lots of postings. Subversive thought.

This feature has disappeared from their website. At least, I can't find it. I wonder what happened.

Thu, 08 Jan 2004 23:59:42 GMT

You are Andrea Dworkin! A few radical feminists
love you, but most of the world thinks of you
as the definition of "feminazi." Of
course, you also know that most of them haven't
read your books. Anyone who has knows that
you're smart as hell, committed, passionate,
and right on (at least some of the time).

Which Western feminist icon are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I guess that means I should read some of her stuff, eh?

Fri, 12 Dec 2003 05:28:12 GMT

Another conspiracy moment.

Thousands will die of the flu this winter.

They didn't make enough vaccines. Who gets vaccinated first? Infants, the elderly, and those with enough money to take the time off of work and pay for the shit without (or with), insurance. Thus expires the most unpleasant demographics. The poor. Minorities. Women without husbands (and therefore health insurance.)

Hehehe....

Or I'm wrong.

Or drunk.

Either way. I've really been hoping for some kind of revolution but mass extinction is unpleasant. And I haven't been vaccinated.

Then again. I'm never wrong.

My record is nearly perfect... Wait for it.

Yes, I am drunk.

And I picked up Mary Daly's "Beyond God the Father" from the library. *smiles* Luis is going to have a hard time with me this month.

Thu, 11 Dec 2003 01:25:36 GMT

The pink toe tarantulas had babies. Lots of them. Some escaped. Luis say he caught "a few".

Creepy.

Wed, 10 Dec 2003 20:26:29 GMT

Interesting... I'm having a Bush conspiracy moment...

"The Environmental Quality Homepage is temporarily unavailable and will be reposted soon. Please send us a comment if you require additional information."

~ http://www.epa.gov/eq/

Wed, 10 Dec 2003 18:45:24 GMT

It is a beautiful day here. The sun is shining, the air is almost crisp, and the wind is singing through the oak tree outside my open window. And I have to write a paper. I'm really pushing this one. Environmental ethics. So promising at first glance, it degenerated into an underintellectualized exercise in meme pushing. I've been so disappointed with my classes this semester. Women's Studies was a joke. One long bitch session with no one even talking about the real problems, only the symptoms. I don't think my teacher even understands the real problems, she of the died hair, makeup, short skirts, platform flip-flop, office casual pseudo-"punk". The two classes I was looking forward to failed to meet my expectations due to inexperienced, ineffectual teachers. Were my expectations too high? They were only that we might touch on the root causes of environmental degradation and female subordination. God damned since its the same fucking cause! And humans haven't removed themselves from nature my ass. When they decided, through their religions and their philosophy that they were removed/above nature they removed themselves from the natural world via their belief systems and actions. While technically still part of the system, the act of intellectualizing humanity's place served to functionally displace us. But since I'm not loud enough to shout over everyone else in the class, I couldn't even finish vocalizing my thought, much less get the chance to defend it.

And the paper is 40% of my grade because she didn't give any freaking tests all semester, only homework. HOMEWORK! In a philosophy class! Totally unreasonable. (Catch the sarcasm?) Anyway, I'm going to try to work now.

Sat, 06 Dec 2003 01:54:48 GMT

Have you ever read the Universal Declaration of Human Rights?

I think you should.

http://www.un.org/Overview/rights.html

Tue, 18 Nov 2003 05:34:48 GMT

Finally something wonderful.

Fits of fear and trembling before my courseload, tests, papers, moving, work, et cetera.

A Women's Studies paper I thought was due tomorrow that would have kept me up all night is, in fact, not due until next Tuesday. Praise be where praise be needin' to go!

:)

Thu, 13 Nov 2003 05:30:19 GMT

I wonder if pride really is a sin? I mean, just how evil is it to not hate yourself?

Thu, 13 Nov 2003 05:22:15 GMT

**The voice of God here:**
Just wanna mention sumthin'...

The Treaty of Tripoli

excerpt

relating to freedom of religion AND freedom FROM religion

just a thought to those idiots who say you are a christian nation because the founding fathers were (and all the facts AREN'T in on this one) christian

to those idiots who think your laws are based on the christian precepts

I give you

ARTICLE 11.
As the government of the United States of America is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion,-as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion or tranquility of Musselmen,-and as the said States never have entered into any war or act of hostility against any Mehomitan nation, it is declared by the parties that no pretext arising from religious opinions shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries.

Ta-Da!!!!

Now, you can all go back to dancing naked under the moon without fear that it will suddenly be illegal to do so. And, oh yeah, the Ten Commandments have got to go.

:)

Thu, 06 Nov 2003 05:40:53 GMT

Irritated. Aurora is irritated.

All the time.

I keep telling myself to just focus on these classes. Make it to the Holiday break. Take the time then to worry about graduate schools. Juat make your straight A's and worry about the future just a little later. Right. Thats not my style. I deal in certainties. Comfort and stability. I'm a Taurus. But when I pick a path a put my shoulder to it, it will be accomplished. But right now I don't know where I'm going. Hells, I don't even know what state I'll be in following graduation! Here, there, Cali, NYC, New Zealand (crosses fingers). Heh. You think thats a long shot? It ain't, honey. Regardless, those applications aren't cheap and thats the main reason I want to know what end of the Earth I'm following him to this time. :) He doesn't quite grasp the urgency. Maybe I should mention to him how I had a panic attack in the high school counseling office as a sophmore because I didn't know what I wanted to do about the whole college thing. Heh. And this? This is of slightly more import than that.

Tue, 04 Nov 2003 05:48:15 GMT

I am not a Choose Your Own Adventure kind of girl.

*sighs*

Somebody is supposed to do that for me.

Becky, Amanda, Becky, Erin, Buddy, Becky, Luis, Buddy, Linzey, Buddy, Linzey, Laura, Laurie, Jenn, Luis.

But... well.. I'm sure you can figure out bits and pieces of the stories they've led me on. Is Buddy even still alive? See, and this is all my fault.

Goddamn it, I'm depressed. And I don't have anyone here to cheer me up that doesn't make me want to scream after ten minutes. I moved down here for Luis and now...? What? No, before you cheer we aren't breaking up. I'm not moving home. Its just that some days I feel like I escaped an ox yoke and found myself in a pair of fuzzy leopard print handcuffs. No more free, just not as painful. Right now it feels like all I can do is whine because my stupid bullshit life has run me so far aground that I don't even know where to begin to put it right. (And I'm too terrified to even consider a couple of the options. My stomach turns at the thought of losing True Love.)

I know, intellectually, that this depression is just a manifestation of certain environmental and biological imbalances internally brought about in a loosely cyclical pattern. But this doesn't make the emotion any less viable. My whining about how horribly wrong my life is going and how disappointed my Self of Five Years Ago would be is probably only a result of neuron receptors hemorraging serotonin or something. But this doesn't make my fears any less grounded. It just removes the candy coating.

I feel like shit.